In the past few months
“Hey Morgan, How are you??
(In my head…I am not okay.) Oh hi! I’m great how are you???
I am not okay. Those are words that I NEVER NEVER thought I could say. But in the past few months that is how I have felt. Sometimes, it seems that as a confident woman you can never be weak. These past months have been the worst I have ever experienced. I have felt anger, pity, frustration, jealously, and confusion. But I have yet to confess these feelings and thoughts. As a Christian looking back, I know that I should have turned to God, but instead I turned to rebellion. I now look back and realize the attitude and outlook that I had, only gave Satan more glory. BUT what I want to make clear is what I have learned. Our God does know what is best for us and sometimes what is best for us is not easy. I do believe that the trials in life give birth to opportunities of praising God. As the band Tree 63 sings, “God gives and takes away”. I sure do like it better when He gives… but I do appreciate when He takes away because it’s out of love. My life still seems out of control to me, but maybe that is because this way I have no confidence that I can run it all by myself. Instead I have to utterly and completely rely on God. I have to remember that my whole life is in His hands. He does know best… He does know best…. He does know best (and no this is not a typo, I have to remind myself of this very often.) I just want to tell other girls out there, you don’t have to always be strong. You might feel like a real life super hero… but that feeling doesn’t last long. It’s more about the nights where you cry yourself to sleep or when you paste the “I’m fine” smile on your face. I feel your pain. I know how hard it is to keep it up. In my head I grew up as “Little Miss Goodie Goodie” so I could not do anything wrong. I needed to be the friend who was there for everyone. But it was not up to them to be there for me. That would be a burden. Well girls that is a COMPLETE lie!! I should have reached out and shared my struggles with others. Romans 3:23 says, “For ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God”. Haha I have read it over and over and it does not say, “For all have sinned (except Morgan Towle) and fallen short of the glory of God”. So I am right there with everyone else. And so are you!! It’s okay though because as believers in Jesus Christ we have been forgiven!!
To wrap this up, I want to say… first recognize you like everyone else sins and then remember that it is not healthy to keep every hardship to yourself. Reach out to a friend, mentor, or even your parents. (God gave them to you for times just like these and believe it or not they have probably been in the same spot as you). Also as you share with your friends it will create a bond within your relationship that says, “it’s okay to be NOT OKAY”.
O my gosh! I know exactly how you feel. It can be easier to just say i'm ok than to talk about why you aren't. Busying myself is easier than thinking about what's wrong or going on.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear that you've been going through alot these past few month, Morgan. Let me know if you need to talk. Phone line is always open.